drmargaret

How do you know the right things to do? This is something someone comes to a psychologist for, a minister, a priest, a rabbi, or even a psychic. Psychologists decide for themselves by following a system of ethics. Ethics are a set of rules of behavior set out by the American Psychological Association and agreed to by it’s membership. If I have a professional question about something I can call the association or write emails and ask other members what they think and get their ideas. Most of the time the members have the same ideas on what is right and wrong.

In addition to ethics, there are the laws of society. There are local, state and national laws. There are the common laws of civility. These are the laws of civilization. These are the laws of etiquitte and class. People know them when they see them violated. They make refined people cringe. They cause social problems, often unspoken.

Finally there are religious laws and family laws. Most people have heard of the 10 commandments as part of religious laws. But there are others. These include dietary regiments, prayer rituals. Family laws are more complex and include which pan to use for what, and what side to put the spoon on in relation to the plate and what plate to use when Aunt Sophie comes over.

I’ve been lobbying to get “inadequately socialized” as a diagnostic label for children in psychology. These are children who haven’t quite gotten the rules down. I’m not blaming anyone here. I evaluate people for an hour or so, which doesn’t give me any idea about what someone will do in treatment.

I do understand socialization. When I started in psychology I didn’t start working with people. I started with cats, then moved to autistic children and adults, then I moved to criminals, then to violent people, then I taught parenting and became a psychologist. So working with both animals and people that do not fit in well with society was what I worked with long before I became a psychologist. So what is socialization? It’s how you get someone to live in a family and follow the rules. If the cat hides out behind the washing machine all day and doesn’t interact with any family members it’s not socialized. If the child stays in his room spinning the car wheels and makes no eye contact he’s not socialized. If the girl bites as a greeting she’s not socialized.

In some cases with children there is some big problem like autism causing the problem with socialization. But in other cases there isn’t anything other than parenting in question. How does a parent say no to a screaming 18 month old? Quite firmly. Unfortunately, some parents find this difficult and don’t do it. They say so. They tell me they just can’t deny their child anything the child wants. So I see children who interrupt their parents, children who hit, kick, bite, scratch and pinch, children who use bad language toward their parents and toward adults. There are children who are not able to stay seated in a chair, not able to stay seated, not able to come when called, not able to stay with their parents in a public place, and can’t pick up their toys. My hyperactive dalmation can do these things. Don’t blame hyperactivity. Most of these children are much smarter than my dog. Don’t blame retardation.

What bothers me about this isn’t just that these children aren’t socialized, but that the parents are so unclear about what any of the rules should be. Psychologists try not to interfere in the belief systems of others. It’s one of our ethical ideals. But that means that the people we work with should have a belief system. Without one, then the ideals of society get imposed. In the United States we live in a Judeo-Christian system. The laws came from the Common Laws of England and from the Religious laws of the 10 commandments. So I’ve got some basic ideas about how most people work in society here. Every once in awhile there will be some family with a different religious system, like Muslim or Wiccan and I can adapt. But when a family comes in with no system then I wonder what the family is using for a framework. Often they are using nothing and it shows. So I can explain that they have no structure, no rules, no framework, no behavior plan, and no idea about how to socialize that child for their family.

So how does a family socialize a child? The do it yourself model is difficult. You create the same types of rules religion has created. You come up with a list of things that are right and wrong. These are absolutes. A family can create these themself but it’s easier to find a religion that fits with their beliefs and save themselves some work. Then there are rules for conduct in society. These are the rules about how to behave. Are you quiet in public places or noisy? Do you yell for service? Do you yell when displeased? Do you converse socially to hired help or are social conversations limited to people of the same station? Do you ask for extra things if they are promotional or take only one. These are class rules. There are rules for dressing, eating, toileting, speaking, manners, greeting, and behavior in public related to class. Remember “My Fair lady and Pretty Woman” these were about changes in class standing and the rules about class. Then there are the rules about family. There needs to be structure and consistency to provide safety and security. The family rules need to be clear. The clearer the rules are the easier the rest of life will be.