What you say, what they hear
Things get misinterpreted. You say something innocuous and it gets taken as malicious. You say something intended to be supportive and it gets taken as crass. What in the world is going on in these interchanges?
I had three of them today. These things have to do with ambiguity. When people don’t know how to interpret something they put in place a series of filters to determine how to think about the things they see, think and perceive. Some of the filters have to do with personal experience. If the person has been in an experience, they apply that experience to the situation and determine that their situation is the appropriate way to percieve what is happening. Some filters have to do with personal opinion. If you think something, you think most people will think that way too and believe that’s what most people will do in the situation and it forms your opinions and motives for your behaviors. Some of the filters have to do with how you want to be thought of and the idea that other people may be watching you. People behave and think differently if they think they are under observation or if they think they are noticed or if they are cared about even in a small way than if they are anonymous.
Now my job is to provide psychological evaluations of people who indicate they are disabled in some fashion. It would be nice if people just acted normally and let me evaluate them. The process of evaluation changes some people. Some people change as a result of wanting to do better or worse on the evaluation. Some people just don’t like being evaluated. Added to that is the problem that I have to talk to people, show them things and understand them when they respond. Furthermore, the people I evaluate are upset, anxious and have some idea that I’m the enemy at the time of the evaluation. That just makes everything worse.
Lately, people have been coming in angry. I ask for a Picture ID. People should expect this. They are told on the appointment letter to expect to be asked for this when they arrive. It helps us get their chart. It maintains their privacy by not saying their name outloud. We are polite. We say please. We smile. It starts. “What do you want an ID for?” “Don’t you trust me?” “I’m who I say I am, who the hell are you?”
Then there are forms. Everyone fills out forms when they go to a doctor. I saw a doctor today. I filled out seven pages of forms. Most people know to expect the forms. I hand people the forms. “What are these for?” “Don’t you have my records?” “I’m not filling out your forms.” “Forms make me sick.”
I’m still stuck in helping mode. Lots of the psychologists I work with are stuck in this mode. We really have this idea of helping. The concept of duck and cover hasn’t caught on and I’m not sure it really should.
Psychologists where I work have all taken classes on ethnic diversity. We’ve all taken classes on ethics and assessment. Many of us have published professionally on psychological treatment, racism, sexual abuse, and law and psychology. So having someone scream racial comments is offensive. Having someone swear is offensive. Further, it gets old. It gets old being told we don’t like these people. It gets old being told we are going to judge them and not approve their claim. We can explain we have nothing to do with the approval or denial process. We have tried having them sign statements in writing to that effect. We have tried telling them that the tests are the same kinds of tests for everyone, that we are not singling them out for some imagined form of mistreatment. If we take the tests, (and we’ve taken them all), they make us anxious too. This statement gets misinterpreted as “the examiner even said she was anxious.”
Parents with children are a specific group which causes problems. All parents worry that they will be found responsible for the problems their kids have. I have the parent present with the child in most cases unless there is too much disruption. The child knows if there are things they can’t do as well as other children. The child knows the behavior problems the parent yells at them day in and day out for. I knew before preschool I had motor problems. All the kids told me on my block. Some of the nice kids helped me. Some of the mean kids teased me. By Kindergarten I got speech classes. Some parents worry that talking about these things openly in front of the child are going to cause harm to the children. There is actually much more harm that is caused by acting ashamed. Lots of children have learning disabilities. It doesn’t mean they are stupid or can’t achieve in life, or need to be treated as fragile.
I’ve raised six step-children. I worked with the developmentally disabled. I have a couple of dogs currently. I spent my early behavior work training cats. You spend any time watching any of the televisions programs showing the “Nanny’s” that are so popular and you are watching a behavior specialist. When I talk with people about behavior work I try to make two points. There is a difference between psychology and behavior work. In psychology the individual is considered responsible for their behavior and is taught to manage and control their behavior. In behavior work there is an identified “owner” who controls an individual. The “owner” is responsible for managing, supervising and controling the individual. These are different systems. In psychology people are given choices. In behavior work, individuals are given commands. The legal system uses a behavior system. Parents are held responsible for the management, control and supervision of their children. The school system uses a combination of psychology and behavior work. Frequently, parents are not aware that there is a behavior system they can access at their school. If psychological counseling isn’t working, then behavior work may prove useful. Behavior work is also available through the Regional Center system. When I make this suggestion it can be misunderstood. I’ve been told I’ve compared children to dogs. I’ve been told I’ve said a specific child was just like my dalmation who can’t pay attention. I’ve said no such thing.
I’ve said there is this thing called behavior work. You might want to give it a try. I’ve also said to give clear commands. Use few words. People have children who can’t pay attention and they tell them several sentences and the child is lost after word two. Tell them no more than a word or two. Don’t defend your decisions. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. It’s clear. Some parents think this is mean. It’s not. Clarity is not mean. Mean is a voice tone. Mean is hitting. Mean is asking the child to do something they are not capable of doing and understanding they are not able to do it and getting upset at the child when they are not able to perform.
Parents of the developmentally disabled adults have some of the same problems. I have to evaluate adults independently. This really bothers some of these parents. I understand that. My oldest step child had some developmental delays. It’s hard to let them go off with a stranger even for a few minutes. The evaluation process can be upsetting to some people with developmental delays. It can be upsetting to normal people. As a psychologist I try to limit how upsetting the evaluation is while maintaining the integrity of the evaluation, but some people are just going to get upset. People who get upset during the evaluation process are likely to get upset in other settings as well so it shouldn’t be a surprise, but I’ve had parents act like it was a surprise that their adult child was upset. I even got assaulted by a parent whose adult child got upset. When she calmed down evough to think rationally she could recall he got upset at school, at work and even at family gatherings when he didn’t quite understand what was going on. She apologized and realized she would need to talk with him about what happened and might need to get him some treatment.
Getting people the help they need is the point of all this after all.
