Rude Children
I was evaluating a child yesturday. His behavior was so appalling with his mother I just couldn’t ignore it. I told him he was being rude. He seemed surprised. As if he didn’t know. His mother immediately jumped to his defense and said he thought he was simply being cute. I guess it’s why she didn’t stop him. It’s not “cute” for a child to be rude to an adult.
He was 9 years old. He had several rude behaviors. He talked back. He argued. He made faces at her. He hit her. He slapped her. To all of this she did nothing. Eventually she would get fed up and would scream at him. She reported he was in therapy. She had asked for family therapy but it had not been approved. She had taken parenting classes. She felt desperate. I could see why.
I don’t doubt that the child had some problems. Even if she had been a perfect parent with great skills he may have had problem behaviors. Now there is a difference with psychotherapy to focus on how a child feels and behavior work. some therapists seem to think that if a child talks about how they feel their behavior will improve. This assumes they know how to behave. This child and this mother do not have any clue about how to behave. He can articulate his feelings just fine. He can act his feeling out. He can’t manage his behavior. He needs direction.
So I explained to his mother the difference between a behavior specialist, like what people see on The Nanny television shows, and what most psychologists and counselors do, which is to focus on feelings. The child was swinging his watch around. So I talked about that. I can talk about how he feels about his watch. He can talk all day about his watch with me. Or I can tell him to put his watch back on his wrist. He started to tell me why it was off and I interrupted him and told him to put it back on unless it hurt him. He put it on. I didn’t need or want the story. I then asked him to sit correctly in the chair and corrected him until he had a good sit. Now most children know hot to sit still for about as many minutes are they are old. He should be able to sit for about 9 or 10 minutes. He was able to sit still for 30 seconds. I told him he would need to practice. It was a skill. Most kids learn the skill by age 2. He didn’t. He was behind. He would need to practice to catch up. He understood that. He can tell time I told him to get a clock and practice sitting.
Next I did some work with his mother. I told her to give commands not suggestions. I had actually done this when I took him and her into the office. He had refused to come so I took her and left with her for the evaluation of him. I didn’t say anything at all to him. as she and I left without him, he saw what was happening and he decided to come too. I didn’t argue with him. I didn’t interact with him at all. I told him he had an appointment. He said he wasn’t coming. I took his mother into the office without him. Then he decided to come. Making faces at her, but he came.
I told her when he was being rude to not interact with him. To not respond to him at all. She should only respond to him when he was being appropriate and not bizarre. She should not tolerate being hit or slapped. She should tell him once to stop. She could then move away or have him move away. Which ever was easier. No more yelling. Yelling at him doesn’t work. It wasn’t working in the waiting room. Very clear directions for what you want him to do seems to work well. Praise for what works seems to work well. He seems to try to please if he can figure out what to do. Tell him what to do. It sounds so simple but it’s very hard in actuality.
